Saturday, July 16, 2011
Oh dear God I’m writing this letter to you
Cause I don’t have a clue
Can you help me?
I’m sitting here
Simply trying to figure out
What my life’s all about it
Can you tell me?
I never wanted to be
The person you see
Won’t you tell me who I am?
I always wanted to die
But you kept me alive
Please tell me who I am
I lie awake conducting this symphony,
That you have gifted to me,
but I don't ever sleep
Don’t get mad
Cause I get weak inside
And I start to fall apart
Cause I feel nothing
I never wanted to be
Some kind of comic relief
Please show me who I am
I been tortured and scorned
Since the day that I was born
But I don’t know who I am
And I thank you man for everything
Sorry I’m so frightened about all of this
Oh I wish I could give you more
But all the lights are shining down on me
And I feel violated by it all
I never wanted to be
The person you see but thank you
Oh god please tell me now
Are you disappointed or are you proud
I’ve been also EVRYTHING, EVRYTHING!
I’m so sorry I’m so weak
And I turned into a freak
But I don’t know ANYTHING, ANYTHING!
I’ve lost all self-esteem
A million, everything
And I feel NOTHING, NOTHING!
Oh god please tell me now
God please tell me now
Cause I feel nothing
Oh dear god I’m writing this letter to you
Cause I’m coming unglued
Please help me, me
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Why do slaves defend their captors?
The followers of dark paths do not have the monopoly on spiritual laws'.
Word. What gives them their power is keeping the truth about the spiritual laws hidden. That's all 'occult' means - knowledge of the hidden.
Kinda off-topic heh, I have a great retro video game, called The Longest Journey, and basically, the storyline is about two worlds split into Science and Magic. The end-game is to bring the two factions back together, as each cannot survive without the other; to restore the Balance, so to speak.
Anyhoo, our modern world has been conned into thinking all that exists is what the media tells us, that the spirit world does not exist - save for entertainment purposes and charlatanry - we are 5-sense creatures, conned into subservience to our demi-gods - oops, I mean, politicians and 'blue'-bloods (the bluebloods are another discussion!). My point about the game is, I just found it an accurate reflection of what's happening here - we peasants have been pushed into one half of knowing, while those that control have access to all knowledge. But it cannot be contained and we are reclaiming what is rightfully ours to be whole.
It was discussed a little while ago about the monkey experiment - I forget the details, but whenever a monkey reached for a banana high on a post in the centre of the room, they would be hosed down and the other monkeys would set upon the single one, to save being hosed, I guess. Gradually, each monkey would be replaced with a new one, and eventually, the scientists did not need to reprimand the monkey - the others would take care of it. Even when none of the original monkey were in the cage. It's like how humans keep one another in line, without even knowing why they defend the slave owner.
Word. What gives them their power is keeping the truth about the spiritual laws hidden. That's all 'occult' means - knowledge of the hidden.
Kinda off-topic heh, I have a great retro video game, called The Longest Journey, and basically, the storyline is about two worlds split into Science and Magic. The end-game is to bring the two factions back together, as each cannot survive without the other; to restore the Balance, so to speak.
Anyhoo, our modern world has been conned into thinking all that exists is what the media tells us, that the spirit world does not exist - save for entertainment purposes and charlatanry - we are 5-sense creatures, conned into subservience to our demi-gods - oops, I mean, politicians and 'blue'-bloods (the bluebloods are another discussion!). My point about the game is, I just found it an accurate reflection of what's happening here - we peasants have been pushed into one half of knowing, while those that control have access to all knowledge. But it cannot be contained and we are reclaiming what is rightfully ours to be whole.
It was discussed a little while ago about the monkey experiment - I forget the details, but whenever a monkey reached for a banana high on a post in the centre of the room, they would be hosed down and the other monkeys would set upon the single one, to save being hosed, I guess. Gradually, each monkey would be replaced with a new one, and eventually, the scientists did not need to reprimand the monkey - the others would take care of it. Even when none of the original monkey were in the cage. It's like how humans keep one another in line, without even knowing why they defend the slave owner.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Feeling snarky today
Americans Are Willing To Trample One Another To Get Their Hands On Cheap Foreign-Made Plastic Crap
As this latest Black Friday clearly demonstrated, Americans are literally willing to trample one another to get the best deals on cheap foreign-made plastic crap.
---
I don't think I can bear sharing a planet with so many stupid people for much longer! Someone said to me: "That's what makes the world interesting."
Um, no. I'm done with all this dead weight. People literally trampling each other, just to get shitty laptops? What are they going to be like when there's no fresh water or food supplies? I doubt anyone'll say it's an interesting world to live in then. Interesting world? I'd rather live in a quiet one. I'm sure kids starving, wondering when their next meal is coming, AIDS orphans, suffering in (oil-rich) war zones - I'm sure they think it's interesting. Yeah, right.
When I talk politics, either on Facebook, or on some forums, I think some people are mistaking my stream of discussion as a hobby. I don't discuss these topics to blow smoke up my own ass or anyone else's, I discuss in the hopes that I will connect with others who demand change happens NOW, not as part of some intellectual circle jerk.
People drain me, sometimes. I need some down time away from the masses. I wish I still had my car. Not that I could afford to run it, what with the soaring costs of filling the tank.
There is some good in the world. Even in my enraged current state, I know there are good people But I guess people fawning over inbred families spending millions of pounds of taxpayers money, for a gauche display of wealth and energy-harvesting ritual, people who I had hoped saw through the veil, well, that just makes me think 'Why. Bother.' Why bother sharing information; people don't really want to be free. Quasi-activism is the latest trend. It frustrates me beyond belief. To be trapped in a cage my fellow brothers and sisters hold shut.
---
I don't think I can bear sharing a planet with so many stupid people for much longer! Someone said to me: "That's what makes the world interesting."
Um, no. I'm done with all this dead weight. People literally trampling each other, just to get shitty laptops? What are they going to be like when there's no fresh water or food supplies? I doubt anyone'll say it's an interesting world to live in then. Interesting world? I'd rather live in a quiet one. I'm sure kids starving, wondering when their next meal is coming, AIDS orphans, suffering in (oil-rich) war zones - I'm sure they think it's interesting. Yeah, right.
When I talk politics, either on Facebook, or on some forums, I think some people are mistaking my stream of discussion as a hobby. I don't discuss these topics to blow smoke up my own ass or anyone else's, I discuss in the hopes that I will connect with others who demand change happens NOW, not as part of some intellectual circle jerk.
People drain me, sometimes. I need some down time away from the masses. I wish I still had my car. Not that I could afford to run it, what with the soaring costs of filling the tank.
There is some good in the world. Even in my enraged current state, I know there are good people But I guess people fawning over inbred families spending millions of pounds of taxpayers money, for a gauche display of wealth and energy-harvesting ritual, people who I had hoped saw through the veil, well, that just makes me think 'Why. Bother.' Why bother sharing information; people don't really want to be free. Quasi-activism is the latest trend. It frustrates me beyond belief. To be trapped in a cage my fellow brothers and sisters hold shut.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Late, late, late
"I'm late
I'm late
For a very important date.
No time to say "Hello."
Goodbye.
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late."
~ White Rabbit, Alice in Wonderland
I'm late
For a very important date.
No time to say "Hello."
Goodbye.
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late."
~ White Rabbit, Alice in Wonderland
I'm always late. ALWAYS! I don't know why; I can set the alarm to go off at 7 when I need to be at an appointment in the city centre at 2pm, and come ten to two, I'm getting on the bus, cursing under my breath. Why can't I be punctual? It can take me up to six hours to get ready - actually, whatever time I have is how long it takes me to (nearly) be ready to leave. I hate being in a rush. It seems like I get easily distracted, or my inner saboteur strikes.
I never factor travel time in. Wherever I have to go, be it locally, a bus ride away, or the next city, I always leave myself twenty minutes. Similar to your friend, I think any distance travel can be squashed into that time frame. I was born 3 wks late, and that was only 'cause my mother was induced.
There's a quote - I can't for the life of me remember who said it - that goes something like, "I am always punctually half an hour late." That's me.
And sometimes, I never get there at all. Take today, for example. The sun was gloriously shining, and I decided I would cycle to the park again, do some idling, read a bit...of course, by the time I'd done my hair, and decided what to wear, the sun had disappeared. So I'm staying in now; a day wasted *sigh*
(edit)
Actually, thinking about it, I always manage to arrive for flights with plenty of time, so I know I'm capable of it...however, if I have an 8am flight, rather than sleep 'til 4, I will just force myself to stay awake all night, 'cause Sod's Law, I'd sleep in, otherwise.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
4w3 v 4w5
This won't make sense right now, as I'm blogging backwards. In two or three posts' time, it will. :)
---
From an enneagram profile that I don't own...
4w3s are theatrical, dramatic, and effete. Compared to 4w5s they are generally more ambitious and competitive, and place a greater emphasis on appearing beautiful, desireable, and elite. They tend to feel entitled and exempt. They are said to be divas and aristocrats as their three wing transforms their sources of shame and defectiveness into art and expression, an aloof presentation that incorporates conventionally desireable elements into their style. They have a more glorious self-image and are more inspiration-seeking. They feel a connection with the magical as if they're part of a special class of people with secret powers. They are the outsiders who dream of magically returning to show others what they missed. The magical overtones in their persona are reminders of that to themselves. Compared to 4w5s they have more energy to keep up the act to get by in the world, but are also more likely to feel fake about it afterwards. They balance a greater ability to wear different masks with greater shame over losing their internal substance. They have an amorphous self-image that adapts to others but is in conflict with the core 4 fixation which sees it as "inauthentic". They are less likely than 4w5s to call out others for not being authentic for fear of pointing the finger back at themselves and their many contradictions.
4w3s are marked by multiple dichotomies due to types 3 and 4 being opposites in so many ways: inferior/superior, being/becoming, self-conscious/confident, putting themselves down/glorifying themselves, withdrawn/assertive, emotional/flatlined, reactive/cool-headed, mired in the past/focused on moving forward, awkward/poised, fragile/resilient, easily discouraged/do whatever it takes, rejecting the game/conquering the game. While they will put up countershame smokescreens to get your attention and see if you are perceptive enough to see and accept the real them underneath, they may seem distant to even close ones to keep up appearances. Ideally they'd have a rich emotional life without having the ugliest parts of themselves exposed.
Underneath a 4w3's more fluid identity their 4ness gives them an awareness of something truer and deeper within themselves that roots everything. Their 3 wing precludes people from seeing fully what is inside them including even themselves. However they know their personal awareness anchor is there no matter where their changeability takes them. They know on a deeper level their fluctuations stem back to a single consistent essence. Still, they wonder if they are fooling themselves. Despite their consistent underlying essence they lead an inconsistent life and wonder if they are being true to themselves. They try to balance selling themselves out in the real world with hanging out amongst the "keeping it real" crowd. They are more likely to go the distance in their career due to their three wing before their fourness causes them to sabotage themselves. In extreme cases 4w3s totally give up on life after finally "making it".
4w5s have a harsher edge than 4w3s and are the true outsiders of the enneagram. They tend to be more intellectual and introspective. They are more likely to philosophize their inner reality. Many 4w5s have an unflinching "this is me so deal with it" persona that's harder and crustier in comparison to 4w3s. They tend to be absurdly original or profoundly eclectic. Either way they have a more "take it or leave it" attitude and are more likely to direct a critical edge at others. Their persona serves more to redirect their shame away from their vulnerable self behind it in contrast to the 4w3 whose more shapeshifting persona facilitates relating to people. The more shame a 4w5 feels the more they implode, or in some cases amplify their persona as a countershame response. As a result 4w5s are more likely to present a more bizarre and even grotesque image in some instances that reflects their feelings of defectiveness combined with a fascination for the macabre that their five wing brings.
4w5s have a great pride in staying "true to themselves no matter what" amidst what changes in the world around them. They accept being isolated from others and are personally invested in their self-image enough to stick with it through thick and thin. They are equally proud of suffering for their weirdness as paying the price for being who they are only makes them feel even more authentic about themselves. It illustrates how they are too complex to be understood by the unworthy who lack the perception to decode their many layers to understand the real them.
Suffering for their internal self-image serves to reinforce their authenticity. The more they suffer for it the more they cling to their internal self-image and 4w5s wear their lack of compromise as a badge of honor for being true to themselves. "I'm completely true to myself and no one can take that from me." They mythologize their own personal tragedy. On the flip side being double-withdrawn they have less of a will to deal with the world and feel more overwhelmed by it. Despite seeking meaning in everything they are more likely to tend towards nihilism. Combine that with being even more true to themselves in response to their suffering and they become more and more disconnected from the world. In a self-destructive cycle the 4w5 holds his head high at never selling himself out like others, but ironically has little to nothing to show for it since he's actualized his identity with futile concepts that have no basis in reality. A feeling of hopelessness sets in and he withdraws from the world more permanently.
---
From an enneagram profile that I don't own...
4w3s are theatrical, dramatic, and effete. Compared to 4w5s they are generally more ambitious and competitive, and place a greater emphasis on appearing beautiful, desireable, and elite. They tend to feel entitled and exempt. They are said to be divas and aristocrats as their three wing transforms their sources of shame and defectiveness into art and expression, an aloof presentation that incorporates conventionally desireable elements into their style. They have a more glorious self-image and are more inspiration-seeking. They feel a connection with the magical as if they're part of a special class of people with secret powers. They are the outsiders who dream of magically returning to show others what they missed. The magical overtones in their persona are reminders of that to themselves. Compared to 4w5s they have more energy to keep up the act to get by in the world, but are also more likely to feel fake about it afterwards. They balance a greater ability to wear different masks with greater shame over losing their internal substance. They have an amorphous self-image that adapts to others but is in conflict with the core 4 fixation which sees it as "inauthentic". They are less likely than 4w5s to call out others for not being authentic for fear of pointing the finger back at themselves and their many contradictions.
4w3s are marked by multiple dichotomies due to types 3 and 4 being opposites in so many ways: inferior/superior, being/becoming, self-conscious/confident, putting themselves down/glorifying themselves, withdrawn/assertive, emotional/flatlined, reactive/cool-headed, mired in the past/focused on moving forward, awkward/poised, fragile/resilient, easily discouraged/do whatever it takes, rejecting the game/conquering the game. While they will put up countershame smokescreens to get your attention and see if you are perceptive enough to see and accept the real them underneath, they may seem distant to even close ones to keep up appearances. Ideally they'd have a rich emotional life without having the ugliest parts of themselves exposed.
Underneath a 4w3's more fluid identity their 4ness gives them an awareness of something truer and deeper within themselves that roots everything. Their 3 wing precludes people from seeing fully what is inside them including even themselves. However they know their personal awareness anchor is there no matter where their changeability takes them. They know on a deeper level their fluctuations stem back to a single consistent essence. Still, they wonder if they are fooling themselves. Despite their consistent underlying essence they lead an inconsistent life and wonder if they are being true to themselves. They try to balance selling themselves out in the real world with hanging out amongst the "keeping it real" crowd. They are more likely to go the distance in their career due to their three wing before their fourness causes them to sabotage themselves. In extreme cases 4w3s totally give up on life after finally "making it".
4w5s have a harsher edge than 4w3s and are the true outsiders of the enneagram. They tend to be more intellectual and introspective. They are more likely to philosophize their inner reality. Many 4w5s have an unflinching "this is me so deal with it" persona that's harder and crustier in comparison to 4w3s. They tend to be absurdly original or profoundly eclectic. Either way they have a more "take it or leave it" attitude and are more likely to direct a critical edge at others. Their persona serves more to redirect their shame away from their vulnerable self behind it in contrast to the 4w3 whose more shapeshifting persona facilitates relating to people. The more shame a 4w5 feels the more they implode, or in some cases amplify their persona as a countershame response. As a result 4w5s are more likely to present a more bizarre and even grotesque image in some instances that reflects their feelings of defectiveness combined with a fascination for the macabre that their five wing brings.
4w5s have a great pride in staying "true to themselves no matter what" amidst what changes in the world around them. They accept being isolated from others and are personally invested in their self-image enough to stick with it through thick and thin. They are equally proud of suffering for their weirdness as paying the price for being who they are only makes them feel even more authentic about themselves. It illustrates how they are too complex to be understood by the unworthy who lack the perception to decode their many layers to understand the real them.
Suffering for their internal self-image serves to reinforce their authenticity. The more they suffer for it the more they cling to their internal self-image and 4w5s wear their lack of compromise as a badge of honor for being true to themselves. "I'm completely true to myself and no one can take that from me." They mythologize their own personal tragedy. On the flip side being double-withdrawn they have less of a will to deal with the world and feel more overwhelmed by it. Despite seeking meaning in everything they are more likely to tend towards nihilism. Combine that with being even more true to themselves in response to their suffering and they become more and more disconnected from the world. In a self-destructive cycle the 4w5 holds his head high at never selling himself out like others, but ironically has little to nothing to show for it since he's actualized his identity with futile concepts that have no basis in reality. A feeling of hopelessness sets in and he withdraws from the world more permanently.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Jobhunting - Capturing the elusive animal
I am unemployable. I admit it, I don't know why I am, but time has proven this to me. The last time someone hired me for a job was in my teens - no, I was 22 and at uni. A bar hired me to do some shifts, but then again, I did know the owner, so...
I've been actively looking for a job for over a year and haven't had a single interview in that time/ The only potential job offer came from an agency who had seen my CV (resume) on another site, and thought I might be perfect for her client in Paris (dream job & salary!) but after discussion, I felt I wouldn't be up to the position, as it was more tech-based than I am used to. When I work in studios, I'm using the equipment, but to produce sound, and their job was fixing mixing desks etc. That's just not my area.
So anyhoo, aside from that near-miss, I'm just sitting here, looking like this, as my friend Peter used to say. All my life, I've been self-employed, so it's only in the past few years - since the smoking ban - that I've been actively searching. Don't get me started on the government crippling my business beyond repair, and all the pubs and clubs that shut because of loss of revenue, aaaargh!!!!
I printed off my CV and trotted into town the other day. Every employment agency knocked me back. I didn't even think they could do that! People go in there with no skills whatsoever, and they get help creating a CV and finding a job, so I guess my face didn't fit. At worst, they could have said, "Well, we need to re-work your CV," not "Sorry, I think you're better going elsewhere. What is this?
I have so much experience through being a musician - I've contracted for TV companies, schools, record labels, worked with vulnerable groups (disabled, addicts, and ex-cons), and I can learn ANY task (I'm super intelligent! Not that it helps!) but I'm not worth dealing with, wtf?
What put me in a really pissy mood was how the woman who walked in behind me at one place pretty much said the same thing as me, and they booked HER an interview. Sometimes, one is right to be paranoid. Clearly, that company wasn't being objective.
So, I'm sitting here, ever-spiralling into more and more debt, with more skills than I know what to do with, and no idea how to get out of this eddy. My new online store is starting to make sales, but not fast enough or high enough for me to rely on as a source of income. I feel like banging my head against a brick wall.
I've been actively looking for a job for over a year and haven't had a single interview in that time/ The only potential job offer came from an agency who had seen my CV (resume) on another site, and thought I might be perfect for her client in Paris (dream job & salary!) but after discussion, I felt I wouldn't be up to the position, as it was more tech-based than I am used to. When I work in studios, I'm using the equipment, but to produce sound, and their job was fixing mixing desks etc. That's just not my area.
So anyhoo, aside from that near-miss, I'm just sitting here, looking like this, as my friend Peter used to say. All my life, I've been self-employed, so it's only in the past few years - since the smoking ban - that I've been actively searching. Don't get me started on the government crippling my business beyond repair, and all the pubs and clubs that shut because of loss of revenue, aaaargh!!!!
I printed off my CV and trotted into town the other day. Every employment agency knocked me back. I didn't even think they could do that! People go in there with no skills whatsoever, and they get help creating a CV and finding a job, so I guess my face didn't fit. At worst, they could have said, "Well, we need to re-work your CV," not "Sorry, I think you're better going elsewhere. What is this?
I have so much experience through being a musician - I've contracted for TV companies, schools, record labels, worked with vulnerable groups (disabled, addicts, and ex-cons), and I can learn ANY task (I'm super intelligent! Not that it helps!) but I'm not worth dealing with, wtf?
What put me in a really pissy mood was how the woman who walked in behind me at one place pretty much said the same thing as me, and they booked HER an interview. Sometimes, one is right to be paranoid. Clearly, that company wasn't being objective.
So, I'm sitting here, ever-spiralling into more and more debt, with more skills than I know what to do with, and no idea how to get out of this eddy. My new online store is starting to make sales, but not fast enough or high enough for me to rely on as a source of income. I feel like banging my head against a brick wall.
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